Pretty, fat

So I am basing this on the above image. This image is an argument that i have been having over the years, both directly and indirectly.

You see, the comeback to announcing that you are fat is ‘..but your pretty..’ Not every time, and maybe the wording is slightly different, but the intention is the same. I know some of you will not use the word fat as it is not fair to label people. And honestly, I commend your postive action. I am not merely a fat girl. I am more that what I present to the world or rather the first impression that I leave. However, please don’t stop me from using it. If I am using it to describe myself – it is what i need to do.

You see, as per the other posts, being told that you are not fat, you are perfectly fine, you have nothing to worry about. These are damaging things to say to a person. What you see in the mirror is completely different to what others see. I might think that I am not too fat, but I then stand next to a slender friend and what can I say? I am fat.

I am going to keep using the word. Fat. It is important and empowering. By using the word, I am giving it meaning, and strength but I am also owning it. I am fat and I am the only person who can do something about it.

Telling someone that they are pretty when they are discussing their weight, shape or dress size is extremely unhelpful. Have they asked about how they look, have they dropped a hint about wanting a compliment? Or are they just having a moment of clarity or honesty. Are they explaining why they don’t want to have a slice of cake, or that they won’t be joining drinks after work, or why they have switched to a packed lunch.

If someone is making changes, by all means take an interest but make sure that you don’t make a big deal about it. If someone is trying to make a change, having a spotlight shone can be damaging and their motivation or willpower can evaporate. Swinging words around like diet, likewise can be unhelpful. Don’t start wading in with some magic pill that worked for you, because it worked for you. It may not work for someone else. And be aware of why someone is making lifestyle choices. Often we are given ‘quick fixes’ we are told how to drop a dress size, or lose a couple of stubborn pounds.

What is most helpful, is being honest. Not to the point of rudeness. Don’t start expressing that a person shouldn’t be having that snack, or wearing that dress, or asking how much they have lost. If someone says they are fat, let them use the word. Lets not sugar coat it. It is a word, and an explanation. I personally, am carrying too much fat on my body. Until this has been resolved, I am fat.

To summarize, I am fat, I am pretty. These are not mutually exclusive terms. It would be better if we could all learn to separate the two.

Too old to tattoo ?

One thing that I keep hearing is ‘thing you shouldn’t do when you are XXXXX….’ you are always, too old, to big, to small, too talk, too male.. too female.

On my way into work this morning, I was thinking about a tattoo that I have wanted to get done for the longest time. I can’t afford it. I can’t justify it. I just. Can’t. It is a lot of money, not saying that it isn’t worth it, and I would want to get it done well.

However, I then realised that to a degree, tattoos, and a lot of body modification has a sell by date, a best before date. Getting them done after a certain age, is … well… a midlife crisis I guess? 

We all see the ‘we will be awesome as grandparents’ memes. We are positive saying, hey you know that permanent modification to your body? It will still look amazing when you are in your 70’s. Own that shit. Work it girl. 

But again, we are being positive about things done while younger. When it comes to being in your thirties, or older, there are still social expectations. You should be responsible. Have a house, married, 2.4 children. a good job. Responsible. And responsible people don’t get a full back tattoo. Or a sleeve. Or anything…. that may be seen to be against the norm. Because to a degree, as normalised tattoos and other body modification is, it is still seen to a degree as rebellion. Although what exactly you are rebelling against is up for debate. 

I am debating this, because it went through my head and I honestly don’t know the answer. While tattoos are becoming more accepted, it still comes with a degree of, you did it while you were younger, you have since changed and grown up. Or you are very much still living an ‘alternative’ life and there really doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.

Is it also, the point when you hit a certain age, the relationships will have been formed, generally speaking. So doing something like getting a massive thigh tattoo might be considered out of character rather than just a good investment. Or something you now have a disposable income for… because you know, house, kids etc. 

So I guess there really is no answer to this, if you want to get covered head to toe for you 45th because you have the means to do it…. go for it. Want to try out body mods? Why not. It isn’t that you have suddenly have a personality transplant. It is more, that you have finally been able to justify it.

What is good for the goose,

is good for the gander as the saying goes. But what is implied here is that in fact, women routinely look at mens crotch. I mean… yeah I guess we are expected to keep our eyes down and often that will lead us to examine many a belt buckle. I mean of course, we are traditionally shorter than men so our gaze would naturally settle lower… so obviously we are looking at the penis area imagining what is hiding underneath the clothing. It is why we love getting dick pics. I mean we literally have no imagination and require visual aids.

And as women, we enjoy being coy, and teasing, we love to put our wares on show but … hell, don’t even look let alone touch. Isn’t that right girls? Sorry, ladies! 

You see the difference here is very simple, as simple matter of habit, or comfort, of conformity… I don’t know and really this isn’t the post to discuss it. Would it make for an interesting discussion?

Side Bar: A teacher in primary school once pointed out that we spend our time looking at the floor, and we should look up occasionally. It was actually homework. So you know, keep that in mind when you are out and about.

The fact is, women, are not really THAT interested in what you are packing, in a general sense. But what we do notice is when men don’t make eye contact. There is a very big difference between a casual gaze, we all do it for the most basic reasons when perambulating, so that you don’t walk into people. It is the searching gaze, the fixed gaze that settles on our breasts. Worse so when we are having a conversation with a man doing this. Or even if he is part of a social group and can’t manage to fix his gaze any further up. I mean that is why we jokingly ask ‘do you even know what colour my eyes are’.

We all have boobs, they are all different sizes, shapes. We know they are there. We also know that they are sexually objectively objectified. So you know, it would be really lovely, if when talking to us, you could maybe … for a moment remember that we are human beings and not just objects. Which is exactly what looking at our boobs makes us feel like.

So, sorry Menninists, or anti feminists, or whatever title you will to offer yourself. If you honestly feel that women spend their time looking at your dick, so by suggesting looking at boobs should be allowable because we are all about being treated equally… I mean… 

Are you even kidding me with this? Are you even trying? How often do women spend their time looking at a crotch even when talking to you? I mean, random women, co workers, neighbours, how often do women find it difficult to tear their eyes away and look up toward at least your magnificent beard? I mean really, if you just grew a beard this really would be a non issue. I mean women can’t keep their eyes… oh sorry, getting facetious but the meme wasn’t even trying. 

Nasty Gym Expectation

As some of you may be aware, I have a little bit of a legging obsession. Primarily WIld Bangarang leggings. And as I am trying to be more healthy, get fitter and generally spend more time in the gym, it was important to me to have work out wear that makes me feel good. Now that isn’t to say that I treat the gym list a fashion parade or that I feel that I am being judged, or care what other people think of me when I am working out. I may be vain, I may be shallow…. where was I going with this? 

When I first started working out, I was wearing my full length leggings from Wild Bangarang but I quickly found that I was over heating very quickly – which is impressive as I really only do cardio to warm up and cool down. I concentrate on weights – and as much as I love getting a good sweat on, in this weather, when your legs just feel sticky? No thanks! Luckily, I am a member of my local DW Sports gym, which gives me a discount in their stores, so I shot upstairs and picked up 3 pairs of capri in pretty short succession and felt an immediate difference in my workouts. Including the need for shaved legs. Whoops. Yeah not so good! But like I have said previously and in this blog, Wild Bangarang are a firm favourite for me, comfort and design wise. So I was super pleased when I heard that they would be rebooting their fitness line, and every more impressed with the designs being added to the line. 

So, yes, I had to go give them a go – I picked a ‘Gymnasty’ design that is a new, in house range that comes in 3 different designs currently. I also went for the ‘fit top’ to see how it stood up size wise, I haven’t managed to find one on the high street that fits. They all look so tiny! I wear a sports bra (for obvious reasons) and tend to customise my tops and i like to wear crop/sports tops over my sports bra, both as added support but also to break up the monotony/obvious bra-ness. 

The design is really bright, the photos do not do it justice, I love the graffiti effect, and that there is no real, repeating pattern on the legs or top. The capri are really comfortable. They went on easy, and have a drawstring waist which gives you additional security if needed. I was so pumped putting them on. They look fabulous! I initially picked up the top and worried that it wouldn’t fit over my double F’s but it did. A lot more comfortably when I got to the gym and popped it over my sports bra.

I am writing this, after having worn it just the once, and doing a weight training session rather than cardio. So I can’t really tell you how they hold up when running, or sweating a lot, or much in the way of floor exercises. But I did a lot of moving around, bending, twisting, floor work – they didn’t budge. Unlike some of my other capri’s that I have felt the need to adjust or that sit really low on the hips? They sit quite high and you can easily flip over the waistband for comfort or preference. The material is easily comparable to others on the market, although I do find the material a lot smoother than some of my others. And this isn’t a complaint, I didn’t feel unsafe or slippy while wearing them. 

The sports top is another beast entirely, I was pleasantly surprised by the double layering on it. There has certainly been some thought in the comfort and design of this top. It isn’t your standard ‘sports top’ that is really a bralett in a lycra material. They are double layered and although not a perfect fit for a larger cup size (lets be honest, unless you go to a specialist shop, you are going to have to roll with it!) it really is comfortable and gives a much needed pop of colour to a gym kit. I would recommend buying separately and checking your back size when buying the top as it may not be the same size as the capri! 

I am overall, really impressed with Wild Bangarang’s fitness offerings, and am going to have to have a look at the other designs, one thing that led me to the Gymnasty range in particular, is the fact that you can easily mix and match all 3 colour ways. Which I intend to do. 

Now, I did share a picture of my, wearing the capri and top combination on I.G – although I haven’t had the guts to wear it to the gym without a vest covering my modesty. I doubt it will be long though, because honestly, I feel so good wearing this combination I will want to flaunt it. I would encourage every one of you to go out and grab a pair, you will see why I am so happy I took the plunge, it does wonders for your self confidence! 

Now before I share that photo, a couple of links for you! 

CLICK HERE for the Wild Bangarang Fitness Range

CLICK HERE for the Wild Bangarang Fitness FB Page

And if you want to follow my fitness journey, as well as other weird and random posts, I am on IG as Anythingbutthegirl 

Jumping Blind

Backstory, always with the back story! As ways there is a reason for this, I have many times countered the comments and suggestion that being ‘two-faced’ is a bad thing. It isn’t, it keeps you sane. When I am at work, no matter which job, I am going to have a positive outlook at attitude. When I am at home, that is where I allow the shadows to creep up on me. So it might look to an outsider that I have my shit together, that I am always happy. That I might swear a little but it is all good, vent and done.

As I previously discussed, things had gotten pretty bad last year, to a point I really was struggling. And it was my main job that was a big cause of all of this. I have held off putting this down as I needed some distance and I needed time. It wasn’t the job as such, you see, I worked for the NHS for several years, 4 jobs over 2 trusts. And I don’t know that it would be fair to put the blame entirely at the feet of the NHS. There are many contributing factors at play. for example, it was my first proper job when I first moved here. I have no big support network, no close friends. I struggled when I first moved here with people I met, I just wanted to have friends. And most of my life, I have had male friends so the idea of female friends, and the social interaction was new to me. There were losses, and they have been hard no matter how I might suggest otherwise if asked. I was at my wits end when I left my first job and started my next. I was within the same trust, and there were teething problems, like my former manager signing me off from the trust. A slight oversight which I found (find) implausible as I had asked her to drop off my Occupational Health forms. And that meant I didn’t get paid my first months wages. (In my first job for the NHS I didn’t get paid for 3 months). The job wasn’t what I expected, and I have to be honest, it wasn’t made any easier by the environment.

During this time, if you have caught my other blogs, you will know that I injured myself. I will just side bar a moment. One thing that my first job for the NHS did, was give me the opportunity to dance, I went Salsa dancing and Belly dancing – both of which I really enjoyed and it helped me lose weight. I was going to the gym, I lost weight, I was happy – exercise makes you happy! It does, dancing especially so. But I also managed to in injure both feet (separately) which has meant that dancing isn’t the best idea. Of course this has had a knock on effect, finding that people I would spend a lot of time drifting out of my life, not going out as much.. I won’t go on, you get the picture. But this is why blaming just my employer, job, place of work, isn’t justified.

Now back onto the job situation, I, as I am sure many, find looking for a new job difficult, when you can’t get out of work easily, and in my case don’t drive. This causes additional problems in time management. So when I found another job within the same hospital albeit another trust, I jumped at the chance. I have to be honest, shortest time in a job for a long time, I started just over a year ago, and was role switched at Christmas. I was bits by December, tears were shed at home, at work. It wasn’t pretty. So I started 2016 in a new role, new department, smaller. I thought it would be better, that it would be more comfortable. Small enough that you get to know everyone, not so small you spend your days dodging bullets. But no, it was a nasty place, in so many little ways that it took a long time to fully understand.

BUT! STOP THE PRESS!

I DID THE THING! 

I left my job (the main, day job, paying one) and honestly… as terrifying as it was… it is done and as it was a couple of months ago, I can’t begin to properly explain what a difference it is. It is a massive adjustment and of course, money is tight. I was always wary when people would say, if you don’t like something, just change it. I always laughed it off as something that people with money could say. That giving up your job, when you have responsibilities is not something you should just do. That part of being an adult is dealing with things head on and not just running away. But I can say, a couple of months later, that it was the best decision that I have made. I took ownership at a time when I felt I was drowning. You see, we all work to live, that is a simple statement of fact. But we shouldn’t live to work. The moment that you realise that you are just your job, and nothing else, that you become a shadow of your former self, that your mental and or physical health is effected? That is when you need to take a moment to evaluate. 

I don’t want to be one of those people, who have a cushion to fall back on, and gasp at how easy taking a career break it, or finding a new direction. It isn’t. It isn’t easy and if you are starting over you may end up starting at the bottom again. You may have less money. You may need to rethink what you can afford. But really, your health genuinely is more important. You may even find that you aren’t needing to spend money on things to help you feel better. And having spoken to a couple of people, this is not isolated, and my leaping into oblivion is not all that unusual as much as I might have been met with shocked glances on giving my notice in at work. It is important to take a step back occasionally to evaluate where you are, what you are doing and if you are happy. And if needed, make a change. Remember, it is your life, and you need to make sure that within reason, you are able to be happy in it.

 

Nice guys finish last

Do they? Do they really?

Is it really just the arseholes, dickheads, ‘bad boys’ that win at life? Are you actually going to suggest that you have to be a dick (or have one) to get anywhere in life? Nope, of course not, that would be silly.

But then, then we come accross THE FRIEND ZONE which is something I have already discussed in Friend Zoning… – so just to be clear here. I HATE THE IDEA OF THE FRIEND ZONE. I know, I should probably have started this off with an ‘angry feminist’ alert. But the fact is, for whatever reason, it refuses to die. Why, why won’t it die.

Guys, do you actually have any idea how insulting it is to a woman that you are only interested in her for sex? Y’know we actually have value outside the bedroom? I mean, genuinely, we can make valuable contribution to society, we like being active, we enjo sports, cars, we can be interested in geeky stuff, we can have an interest in gaming be it tabletop or computer, we like walking, being outdoors, we enjoy movies, and they don’t always have to be a romcom, we are interested in current events, politics, are engaging and willing to be there, as friends, as interesting and diverse and any other of your friends.

NO! I MEAN IT! A lack of penis does not exclude them from being a valued part of your social group. I am sorry, I am sure that you already realise this, speaking to your own relatives, co workers, various females that you come accross in your daily life. So why do you forget this when you start building a relationship with women. Is it really difficult to understand that women, also like companionship without any strings?

Now, I am going to be super controversial (so unlike me, I hear you say) and suggest that in my personal experience, a lot of men complaining about being a ‘nice guy’ are generally punching above their weight limit. I have lost count of men telling me how women don’t respect them, or are just using them. That they never get the girl, said girl only likes ‘insert stereotype’. So what if she does? Aren’t you also chasing a type?? Aren’t you only speaking to her because you want something?

We all have a certain type, we all have fantasies, we all picture our perfect partner, we like long hair, short hair, straight hair, curly hair, light skin, dark skin, toned bodies, curvy bodies, we will petitte, we like tall, funny, quiet, loud, extrovert, gamers, athletes…. I won’t go on. What I am trying to say is that we all have things that we find attractive. Not just in a potential mate, but in anyone we build a relationship. I have picked outward and easily identifiable traits for my list. Because it is what we notice. It is what we base our social interactions on. But you know what, sometimes, you end up with someone who looks completely different from what you were expecting. Unlike the Hollywood ideal where the blinkers to a partner’s suitability fall off only when you see them in a LBD or a suit… it isn’t like that in real life. It is up to you, Mister ‘Nice Guy’ to be honest with people as to why you start an interaction with them. are you only pursuing them because you find them attractive and want to date them.

And I want to address the ‘gift giving’ in relationships, platonic or otherwise. Women, give gifts. They see something you said you needed/wanted, or that you might like? Or an early birthday present. They don’t give it a second thought and it is not done with an agenda. So sorry, if you are offering to pay for the movie tickets, or bought a present, she may genuinely not think it anything more than a natural transaction in a friendship.If you are only investing in order to get laid, be honest… or actually just hire a prostitute. Because financial transactions are always best done with some transparency. 

Edit : Since writing this – or at least starting to write this, there was a post released and went viral regarding a ‘gentleman’ listing reasons why he wouldn’t date a feminist. I posted it to my page with the following comment :

More women are reporting they are unhappy. OMG FUCKING Feminists! How dare women realise that they don’t need to be in a situation that makes them unhappy. THE UTTER BASTARDS! Guess I am exactly the type this idiot is talking about because fuck me it has pissed me off. Hating men?! Sorry hating men due to experiences is exactly that, it doesn’t make you a feminist? It is not a precursor or an entry fee. You don’t have to be raped first by a privileged white athlete while at college to join the club. But according to this idiot, sexual assaults at college? Nah, just art part of the feminist agenda!

When he talks about feminists widening the gap, he really misses the point. We, feminists, women, men, activists, talking heads, random strangers sharing and shouting in social media platforms? We do this to stop the widening .. to move forward, closer, together. We highlight the ills, the wrongs, we highlight the problems, we should about them because we want to change things we want equality we want to make sure things aren’t ignored, brushed away, that we stop treating people in a certain way, that we have that conversation that normalises.

Let us be clear. We don’t hate people based on genitalia, their sex and we cannot afford to burn our bras (at least until the pay gap is closed..)

So there has been some backlash on this gentleman and the unfortunate supporting photo. I wanted to avoid hitting below the belt but frankly, it does feel as if this is merely a backlash from someone who got turned down, again. But to me, this just feels like the next excuse in a long line of excuses that men will use as reasons that they aren’t dating. And I won’t go on anymore. This is infuriating for me. Guys, if you are only looking for someone to ‘date’ and therefore, I am guessing, have sex with, possibly marry, you need to be honest. You need to be open about these things. I know it is difficult and you don’t do subtle. But if you are only pursuing a women for sex it isn’t fair to either of you to not be honest. It is hurtful for both parties, and wastes a lot of time. I guess for this reason, online dating maybe a good thing. At least you can be honest without actually having to look someone in the face. And to reiterate – women are fantastic buddies, not just fuck buddies! 

Detri – mental health ?

So I have previously discussed my mental health on my blog, it is not something I talk about openly. I mostly use my social media platforms for photoshare, promotion, pictures of cats… it is almost as if, to a degree I have compartmentalised them all… which is something I have discussed previously. My habit (ability?) to compartmentalise. I am not sure if this is a skill that was learnt through necessity, or just something I have done naturally. Visible mental health is the post I have previously discussed my personal mental health. I guess you might be wondering why I put it in a blog and not anywhere else. Well, yes, I could mention it on facebook, but you see, facebook is a community, although I know many of the people on my friends list and call them friends… facebook has this ability to break down barriers. I may never meet many of these people. Others I know only socially, or through work. Some are networking, so you see, many people on my friends list won’t care. Or I should say, I would be unduly burdening them. And I compartmentalise! I can show whichever side I chose on there, on twitter I can vent, on IG I can share selfies.

Now all of that took a lot longer than I intended. I am so sorry, and thank you if you have managed to stick with me thus far! So what I wanted to say is that, mental health, can actually cause physical symptoms, I am sure that you have come accross this before? But it isn’t simply ‘my brain is hurt, so my body follows suit’. It is more complicated, but again not really.

I have high blood sugar, I have done for many years, and generally speaking I manage it well. It is one of those things that, well you can’t see it? It doesn’t really effect me in a way that makes anyone notice. But it is there and has some serious side effects as well. And of course, the longer I manage it well, the more complacent I can become. Like I said, I have had it for years. It comes down to diet, and I will freely admit mine is pretty bad. But I manage it and take queues from my body as to what it is and isn’t happy processing.

A few years ago, while working in my first NHS job, I developed mild ME – this had for me, similar symptoms to the blood sugar issue when it was first diagnosed. I was always tired, but no matter how I slept, even if I felt I slept well. I would have severe lethargy, I would fall asleep at a moments notice – including trying to do floorwork/yoga, there were more symptoms but generally speaking it left me incredibly frustrated. More recently, in the last couple of years, I had a couple of episodes of stomach flu. Which for someone who doesn’t drink because her aversion to throwing up is so strong, is … challenging. And this escalated in this last year to pain in my lower back/kidneys, keeping me away, also throwing up and all that you would find involved with this. I won’t go into it, but it involved seeing a practise nurse, a misdiagnosis (I will stop and say, giving a  good medical history is KEY to a diagnosis. So when a medical professional refuses to listen. Stop. Stop everything and demand that they listen.) and resulted in the conclusion that my kidneys were not happy.

Now, often when you already feel that you are drowning, a little reflection and introspection is the last thing you will do, or think of doing. To keep going, I would treat myself, I would have that cocktail, that ice cream, I would use sugary drinks to keep me going (I can’t tolerate caffeine) during the day. I never sleep especially well and when your job is already taking a lot of energy you need that little boost. Picking up take away on the way home because it is quicker, rewarding yourself on Friday night because you managed to make it to the end of the week, eating snacks, biscuits, sweets that are lying around at work, that patient’s bought it, eating the cake from a birthday/leaving celebration. So frequently during the day, you forget to take a break because you aren’t hungry, and by the time you are hungry, you pick up another biscuit. Or when you are working overtime with such frequency, that you manage to make it home 2 hours after dinner. You end up picking up something entirely inappropriate and have another sugary drink, because it doesn’t matter how close it is to bedtime, you have only just got in and dammit if you aren’t going to enjoy your evening.

And that, that is the problem – my physical health was being made worse by symptoms of my mental health. It is not a simple thing to separate these two things. When people say, hey go to the gym, it will make you feel better. Or stop eating all those cakes, you will feel better, or pick up a hobby, it will make you feel better…. yes, I entirely agree that it will make you feel better. You will feel great, eventually. But the problem is, again that the physical and the mental health symptoms are inherently intertwined and you can’t just tackle one. You need to look at both. You need to understand how one is effecting the other. And yes, while you are drowning it is extremely difficult to be able to do this. So I just want to say, you need to find someone to help work you through it. Speak to your GP surgery to see if there are GP specialists that would be more suited to your situation (most GPs do have a speciality) and see if you can book a double appointment with them. There are resources out there, but they aren’t always immediately accessible or clear. And you have to remember that most of the time you will be talking to people who are not medically trained or specialists. 

But please understand that while it might seem that you are being weighed down by so many little things, that it feels as if it is insurmountable, that you can’t see the stars… things are often linked. In most aspects of life, there is be a common cause, a thread that once you can untangle will help make sense of things. The best thing to do is keep a diary – if you noticed something is different, write it down. It might be that when you are called on to explain, it won’t be easily recalled. But keeping notes will help you figure out patterns of behaviour or when symptoms are worse. I am only using personal experience to try and help others. I understand that everyone has different experiences but one thing that is important, we need to break down the stigma, we need to talk. 

Look, don’t touch.

So.. going to take a moment to discuss the idea of male privilege. I realise that it is amongst many terms that are floating around our general consciousness at the moment.

But it is one that is to digress, misunderstand and to an extent is dismissed. But what is it and why am I among others, concerned with it.

Well, just now I watched a show where a man sued a women (unsuccessfully) for various reasons, and stated that he had a sexual relationship. He was referred to as a ‘sugar daddy’. He went on to say that while she was in his employ, he would ask to touch her and she would reply with ‘$60, $100’ etc for him to do so.

That, that is male privilege. I have persona experience, the worst was being approached by someone near a mosque that my employers went during office hours, and I had assumed he had attended. I was on my way to work and he stopped me to ask about my boobs. At 8am on a weekday morning. I was a little taken aback. He asked what size they were and if he could touch them. I initially thought he was joking, and he then offered to pay me, upping the amount before I could finally extract myself from the situation that was rapidly escalating while I was also concerned that my employers would see this. I will admit, a small part of me wanted to take the money and think, fuck it. 

This, this is what it is all about. Women are blamed in this transaction for allowing a man to touch them. Sorry, no, they are blamed for taking money. They are blamed for creating a situation where men can offer them money. And you know what, I can see why a woman would do it, it is easy money and while it is a quick boob cup, it is fairly harmless. But it is women are blamed for creating an environment where men pay them to touch their assets. Men are not blamed for assuming that it is okay to ask to touch a women inappropriately, and indeed, when asking does not get the answer they wanted, offering money. Or goods, or services.

Of course, as with anything else, when someone suggests such a thing as Male Privilege even exists, the defensive back lash starts. Things like women being accused of being controlling or privileged for not wanting to have sex with this partner, but suggesting they have a headache. The counter argument is that a women cannot simply say no, she doesn’t fancy it, or she is tired, no, the only way out is to say she is ill. A simple no is not enough. Why not? Because Male Privilege dictates that a woman shouldn’t or couldn’t possibly have any reason to deny her partner. The Alpha Male, the head of the house. 

Rape – rape is the escalation of Male privilege, where if a man is denied sex through normal means – dating, buying, or being emasculated, angry and wanting to exact revenge. It can be on a partner, a friend, a stranger. It can be premeditated or spur of the moment. I won’t quote statistics as we all know that they are an unreliable source of information. Instead I will just go through things that I have come accross over the years, one example that keeps coming back to me, and I believe is not isolated, is a judge in Italy throwing out a rape case because the woman was wearing tight fitting jeans. He ruled that it would have been to difficult for the perpetrator to have removed the jeans without her help, and therefore she must have been agreeable. 

Lets look at the stereotype of the rape victim, that it is a girl dressed provocatively, who is suggesting by her attire that she wishes to have sex, and drinks excessively so therefore isn’t able to control herself or be responsible for her actions. It is certainly the excuse used in the Stanford Rape case that made headlines earlier this year. One thing that you will find when searching for this rape case, is unlike a lot of other cases, it is the male perpetrator and not the victim that is named. Brock Turner made headlines for the leniency of the sentence he received. There was certainly a split in the reporting, Male Privilege abound as there was sympathy for him, for his loss of scholarship at Stanford University and that he would no longer be going to the Olympics. That he should be given special consideration because he was the fastest swimmer. 

He blames the culture and environment at the University for his actions, that he was merely the product of an environment of drinking, peer pressure, and promiscuity. That, in fact, he isn’t at fault here, it was bound to happen, because everyone was doing it. How was he to know that by jumping at a woman at random she hadn’t also read the memo and was not a more than willing partner. Of course this is not what happened, he blames a culture or drinking and loose morals. But what he did was not talk to a girl at a party and invite her back to look at his etchings (I blame my mother for that turn of phrase) but he either followed her, or happened on her outside, and forced himself on her by a dumpster. And when he was found by passers by, ran off. 

This case is prominent for many reasons, the victim has chosen to remain anonymous – and this is her reasoning ‘That’s the beauty of it. I don’t need labels, categories, to prove I am worthy of respect, to prove that I should be listened to’ – what she means is that we are going to treat her as a victim of a crime, we are not going to go through her social media profiles, look at her face, we are not going to base reporting on what she looks like, how she dresses, what her skin colour is, what dress size she is. We are going to base our analysis of her purely on what she represents, a victim. It is a powerful statement. And one that is a direct juxtaposition to the treatment of the perpetrator of the crime. 

So what is Male Privilege – a small part of it, but I hope it gives you an understanding of why it upsets people. And why it is something that needs to be changed. Women are not merely objects, they are not here to entertain men, they are able to enjoy sex, but equally are allowed to say no. Women are allowed to dress how they please, woman should be able to wear as little or as much as they want. They should be able to drink as much or as little as they wish and not worry about falling victim to a crime. Although interestingly – it is more often that women are attacked outside the environment we imagine – they are walking home from work, out jogging, open the door to a stranger. Male privilege is the idea that a man expects to be able to touch a women. That a women is a trophy to be bought with gifts or money. That women are the cause of this, women started this. That a women created the environment where they expect financial reward for men being in their company, touching them, taking things further. I would change the conversation to suggest that men assume that given enough money, they can have and or do as they please. That money is the answer, that women are just another product or service that can be paid for. Which to me, makes it feel that women are not equal in their eyes. That women are just something else to be bought.

Dude looks like a lady.

A couple of weeks ago (this has been sitting waiting to be published), a relative posted the following meme which I found pretty offensive, I am sharing it here only so you can understand this blog, and my motivation behind writing it.

I immediately pointed out that this statement is erroneous, that advice often is to give the child the lead in decisions of gender, that enforcing gender stereotypes isn’t helpful, I finished by pointing out that little in life is truly skin deep. I figured… naively that it would be left at that. The OP is not someone that garners much in the way of debate. I am not sure exactly what prompted me to say anything, I do try and keep discussions and debates in forums I feel relatively safe.

Well, that was bloody silly of me. I was told by a stranger that ‘legitimately half the transgenders are not born into the wrong body’. I mean how are you supposed to respond to that? What is that even supposed to mean, where do these figures come from? And this is the reply ‘Look ‘guy’ there is a difference between being born of both sets of genitalia and wanting to dress up as another gender because your emotions and outlook on life make you feel that way’.

Now, the thread got deleted shortly after this exchange, by reply was to point out that I am in fact, a girl and the reply to this statement was… well it wasn’t polite and there was an implication that I am trans. Not the first time this has happened, probably won’t be the last. Now, a couple of paragraphs ago, I had stated that little in life is skin deep. The person replying to me would have done well to remember this. I use a different first name on Fb, one that could be considered masculine. Coupled with a female profile picture, I guess it is easy to become confused. If you are super lazy and don’t do a quick sweep of a person’s profile.

I have no issue with being called trans, it bemuses me more than anything else. What upsets me is that it is used to hurt, upset, to insult. There are wider issues here. The fact that laws being passed or being attempted to, at least, in America have called into question what gender means in wider society. When you are walking down the street, how often do you really look at a person walking toward you. How often do you really notice the person serving you in the corner shop. Why are people suddenly concerned about how is using the rest room with them.

It is one of those strange situations, where I don’t entirely know where I should fall. Should I be happy that these topics are being discussed and therefore making them less of a taboo subject. But on the other hand why are these things still needed to be debated. Why does it matter if one dressed like Saul during the week and Sally at the weekend. If Harry became Claudia by their 21st birthday. Does it matter who your co-worker shares their life with? I don’t think you can legitimately say that it does, it is genuinely not harming you. But MEME’s like the one I opened with are adding nothing to the debate. It is small minded attitudes, regurgitated in a way that makes it look legitimate, it validates a train of thought. That it isn’t okay, it isn’t normal and people that we are bought up to trust are in agreement.

Fit for danger

So last night a friend shared a diet that was followed by an actress in preparation for a film role. Having followed various links on same subject it is easy to see how quickly the initial article has been disseminated in to the wider world, with the message becoming blurred.

The reason my friend shared it was her concern over young girls coming accross this article, and more like it and influencing them. Girls look toward images presented to them in the various mediums, whether it is via social media, TV, film, magazines for idea of what they should look like. As girls grow up, they look around, outside their own immediate family, and peer group to understand what is normal, social norms, what is considered attractive.

When you are told a diet that works is 80% just fruit and veg with the images next to it of the actress having lost 12 lbs … it sounds like the perfect solution. It seems deceptively simple and easy to stick to. So of course, this will be a great idea to shift those imaged layers of fat. But it is a diet. Diets are short term. Many athletes use diets when training. You only have to follow someone like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson on social media to understand the importance diet has when training. Actually please follow him, he genuinely is an inspiration.

We see it all the time as well on shows like Strictly Come Dancing, where the contestants lose weight, but what is actually happening is that they are toning up. Because they are dancing around 8 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week including the performances. This isn’t something most people will be able to replicate. It is an unrealistic look for people to attain.

We need to change what we present to people, instead of advertising a quick fix, maple syrup diets, 80% diets that work in short terms, CRASH diets by any other name as a normal, and healthy way to get the body you want. Instead of focusing on the shape and size of the body, the focus should be on healthy living, doing things that make you happy and finding passion in your life, about spending time outside, finding a sport that you enjoy and doing it with friends, about healthy choices with food. It shouldn’t be about the size of your waist, thigh gaps, how prominent your hips or rib cage is.

The focus should be on healthy attitudes and eating, on being healthy, active and moderation. Of course there will always be sensational articles and sales pitches to do something quickly, to cheat, articles will be misquoted and torn up to suit an agenda. But if we can change the conversation so that teenagers see messages that are predominantly positive, so they are going to be able to make more educated choices about their life, so they are able to make more informed choices. So your body is not the most important thing in all transactions.